I have been doing a lot of soul searching about our situation and in the process and I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed. It sounds really stupid to say it that way. I think I've handled the last three years pretty well, all things considered. I have this blog where I vent about all things IF related but in real life? You would never know - unless you were my husband or best friend. I do not talk about it. With those two (husband and best friend) I have hit lows and highs. They've seen me cry, become angry, laugh, joke, and sulk but I've never truly felt depressed. Until now.
Now I find myself somewhere between despair and numbness. I feel so sad that I am sure I should start sobbing at any minute but I don't. It's like I feel so much that I can't feel anything and I'm sure that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel. I'm just not doing very well right now.
Like I said, I've been soul searching and really trying to dig deep to figure out which path we should take. I think that if we opt not to do IVF that someday, maybe one year from now or maybe 10 years from now, I will greatly regret not trying. I also know that if we end up pregnant from this IVF cycle, there will be no regrets about giving it one last shot. So, my decision should be clear, yes?
It's not. I still can't bring myself to talk to DH about it or say it aloud. I haven't call to speak to the financial coordinator or completed the medical records release form. I haven't done a damn thing and I'm not sure why? Maybe because I am so angry that we have to make this decision or go through this process at all. Why do we have to decide to go through medically invasive procedures and pay thousands of dollars to have a baby. Why? Why us? It is not fair. And I'm still so scared of failure - of what it would do to my spirit and my marriage. It would be one very large hurdle to get over and while I know that we would, it doesn't make the process any less daunting.
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5 comments:
Oh Angie. I wish I could take away these feelings for you.
It does sound like maybe you are depressed. Is there any way you could look into whether your insurance would cover some therapy? Because I agree with you--I'd hate for you to pass up this opportunity to do IVF, and I fear the way you are feeling is going to mess that up. I see a therapist and I love it, and I highly, highly recommend it. I think you would like it too.
And yes, I think your decision should be clear. I think you should do IVF. But I think you need to take care of you first.
I could have written your post myself. I'm going through secondary infertility as well... we've been TTC for a year. I have 4 year old twins that are a result of my first long infertility struggle, and they are my life. But... we want another child. We've tried on our own, 3 failed rounds of clomid, and a month ago, our first failed IVF. And now I'm depressed. I will be starting stims for IVF#2 on Friday and I'm petrified. I'm sad, scared, frustrated and angry, and the whole time I keep thinking I SHOULD be focusing my attention on the 2 wonderful children I do have. So I drag myself out of my rut and enjoy my days with them. But it's when I'm alone and it's quiet that it really hits me. This struggle is all-consuming. Like you, I'm on the verge of tears all day almost every day. My heart goes out to you. I'm glad I stumbled across your blog and I'm wishing you success.
Angie,
I hope you work through this soon, whether on your own or with the help of someone else.
Hugs
I came over from LFCA.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It stinks.
Based on a quick scan of your profile, I think were I you I'd do IVF and put back 1 embryo. My sense is that as young as you are (I'm almost a decade older, so I can say that!), the improved odds of a healthy pregnancy from putting back 2 embryos instead of 1 are pretty low, and as you suggest, the probability of twins is not trivial.
Can you work with a clinic that does blastocyst transfers, routinely? That would make the put-one-back argument even more compelling.
I know you're not even sure you should go there (IVF) at all, and I'm sorry about the uncertainty and the sorrow. But in your shoes, I think I would, and that that's how I'd handle it.
Best wishes to you, however you decide to proceed.
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now.
It is reasonable to waffle with big decisions. For what its worth, I too struggled initiating a big dicsusssion with my DH and once it was "out there" I could've kicked myself for waiting so long...time is one thing we can't get back,
Please just have the conversation with your DH. Then go from there. Whatever is holding you back will seem small once you have gotten the topic of IVF on the table...especially since it seems that in your heart, you are truly interested in taking that step.
Hang in there and talk with a professional for extra help...there's no shame at all in needing an ear.
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