Well, tomorrow is the big day. We'll meet with our RE and ultimately decide what path we are going to take. I'm truly and completely sitting right on the fence. I have tried to look at this appointment more as closure rather than taking the next step in terms of having a baby.
Because really? I don't know if I want to do IVF or not. I've give this so much thought over the last few week and I go back and forth SO much.
If I could go through it and have a baby - the answer would be yes. Of that I am pretty certain. I am just so scared of going through the process only have it end with failure. I'm scared of what that will do to DH and I. To "us". I'm scared of making a payment every month for failure and being reminded constantly of it. I'm scared of surrendering all hope once and for all. And I truly, truly am not being intentionally negative, I am just being realistic. I am not naive about this process and I haven't been for a long time.
I'm also a bit scared for success. As much as I would love another child, I am also being realistic about what that means for our family and for me physically. For one thing, I had hyperemesis with Keegan and to go through that again scares the hell out of me. It was hard enough last time but this time I would have a five year old thrown into the mix and I couldn't just curl up in a ball and not function every day like I did last time. I know the end result is worth it, obviously, but it doesn't make the situation any easier at the time.
Also, financially, it will make a big difference. We'd have the expense of IVF and the expense of another child. Doubling daycare, buying diapers again, etc.
And can I just say how unfair it is that infertility is NOT covered on our insurance?? WTF? How is this not considered a medical condition? If we needed Via*gra, it would be covered. If I was a smoker and wanted to quit, it would be covered. Total bullshit as far as I'm concerned.
There are just so many details floating around in my head right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what I want to have happen tomorrow.
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3 comments:
I totally can understand how you feel so conflicted. But think of it this way, many of your concerns would be valid concerns whether or not you conceived naturally or with IVF. So just look at it as an opportunity to gain knowledge. Knowledge that will lead you and your DH to the right decision for your family. I am always praying for another miracle for you. If only I could wave my magic wand...
-Leighann
How did the consultation go? I hope that it cleared your head somehow and will help you make a decision either way.
To be 100% honest, it was a very scary decision for us, too. And that fear is not over since I am in the midst of the most complicated pregnancy ever. If you have questions or want to chat, I can definitely be an ear to listen because I understand VERY clearly both sides of this whole thing.
Ugh, its such a tough decision. IVF, even without the emotional and financial component, is tough. I hope your consult went well and you're able to come to a decision soon. Whatever it is, it will be right for you.
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