DH and I went out for a date on Saturday night and somehow stumbled into an infertility discussion. He actually brought it up and at first I was tempted to push it all aside but it turned out to be a really productive and interesting conversation. I cannot believe how far my DH has come on this crazy journey. I remember the days of anger and tears when it came to these discussion between us, we always seemed worlds apart. And now? Well, we've both been through the ringer and I guess that matured us in many ways. I've never doubted that DH wanted another baby but I always thought that deep down, he really didn't want one that bad. You know?
So, when I heard IVF come out of his mouth on Saturday night I just about fell off my chair. I was surprised...but also? I was not jumping for joy over the fact that we were having the discussion. I always thought that if DH suggested IVF (because I always thought the ball was in his court as far as IVF) that I would be so excited and ready to take that route. It turns out, I have SO many mixed feeling about it. Which I probably knew deep down and it is probably why I've never pushed IVF.
We haven't decided to do IVF or anything - we've more just peaking in the window of that possibility. I'm supposed to make an appointment with our RE to discuss options, costs, protocol, etc. The thing is - we decided this on Saturday and here it is Wednesday and I have yet to make the call.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of hoping, I've truly moved so far away from actively TTC in the last couple of months and I have been working so hard to make peace with our situation. IVF wasn't remotely on my radar and now all my thoughts are bumping around and getting tangled up together in my head. Money, timing, multiples, shots, financing, ultrasounds, shared risk (anyone?), ICSI (anyone?).
Oh God. I can't believe this is our reality. I cannot believe that we cannot make a baby like "normal" couples do. It is just so unfair.
I'll eventually make that appointment because if nothing else, it may be good closure. But what if it isn't? What if I walk away wanting to give it one more BIG try? What then?
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4 comments:
Awwww... (((HUGS)))
You're right - it's not fair and I'm sorry you are having to go through all this again. I think it's perfectly natural to feel scared and freaked out. Just remember that it's your decision too - go to the information sessions together, find out what it will require and decide whether that's what you want. It's okay to say no. It's okay to say you're done if you really are. It's also okay to admit that you're not done, that you want this and that you're going to do it.
There isn't a wrong answer - explore your options together, TALK about it together and decide together what the best way forward is.
Good luck, sweetie. (((HUGS)))
What then? Well, then you'll take a deep breath and you'll figure it out. The only way to do this is one small step at a time. Of course you haven't made the call yet. You have been getting yourself into one mindset for months, if not years. Give yourself time to get into the mindset that's going to be required to make that call. And only if you want to.
FYI, I am going to go ahead and be thrilled on your behalf that DH has taken this step, has put IVF at least a little bit onto the table. If only for the fact that, as you said, it shows how much he has grown in this process. It is all incredibly scary and frustrating and so, so unfair. But I know you will get through this, you will find what you need, and you will do so by taking one small step at a time. You can do this. And please, let us know how we can help.
Thinking of you lots...
Just wishing you the best....I always want that for you. I hope you and your DH can come to a decision you are both happy with.
-Leighann
Eeeek! and Wow! both at once.
ICSI worked for us. With J's morphology issues it was worth it to head straight there. And single embryo transfer is always a possibility depending on the quality of the embryos (higher quality & more embryos was what my clinic based their decision on). Although for a couple of months after we did the transfer I wished that I had asked for two I eventually got over it and now, with my placenta previa, I'm very happy there's only one in there.
Good luck with your decisions. And, as previous commenters have said, going for a consultation does not mean you have to go ahead with IVF.
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