I have been so terrible about blogging lately, I apologize. I still have a million thoughts bouncing around in my head but it seems when I am not in the middle of a treatment, I am less likely to post. I really need to get out of that bad habit because I am pretty sure my treatment days are very limited and I definitely don't plan to quit my blog once we are doing TTC.
We just got back from vacation and it was wonderful. Too short, but SO nice to get away. We were able to get out of the snow and cold (I heard it there were -20 wind chills that week) and into the sun and 85 degree warmth of Florida. We went to the same place that DH and I got married and it was pretty neat because it was the first time that we brought Keegan. He was so good and loved every minute of it - which only made me want to stay longer! I think next year we will go for a longer trip, five days was just waaaaay too short.
It was not our "normal" vacation since Keegan was along and therefore, DH and I didn't have any real alone time but we still managed a few good talks during our time in FL. At one point I told him that I would really, truly love to have a place of our own there someday and he agreed that it is something that we should eventually look into. It is just such a special place for us, it's where we started our life together. That's not the only reason we love it. We also just love the vibe of the Island, the food, the local "joints" and the gorgeous beach. We've traveled a lot of different places but this is the only place that we come back to again and again. It's our place.
The other topic that kept surfacing between us was a quitting TTC time frame. Our conclusion? Six months. Six more months of giving it our all (well, with limitations. No IVF, etc.) and then we are done. Six months from now we will be at the three year mark. Three years!! If we are not successful at that time, we will take the deepest breath possible and let go. DH brought up the six month time frame first but the more I thought about it, the more I agreed. At some point, you just have to be done. To accept your reality and get on with the life you were blessed with. It may not be the future that I had originally dreamed of but it is the hand we were dealt and when looking at the big picture? We have it pretty good.
Keegan is my saving grace. Without him, I'm sure we'd have a very different mindset. We would most definitely pursue IVF. With Keegan, it just does not make sense to take out a loan for that amount of money just for the possibility of getting pregnant. I'd rather use that money for Keegan's college education. He is our priority and I do not want to lose focus of that. I do not want to keep throwing good money after bad for a CHANCE of a pregnancy when we have a wonderful son right in front of us with needs of his own. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some, but it does to us.
Keegan also deserves a mentally healthy mom who is not preoccupied with TTC, treatment schedules, fertility drug-induced hormones, money, etc. I should be focusing on him and how lucky I am to have him in my life. I was blessed with a natural, healthy pregnancy and a perfect, healthy child. There is absolutely no reason not to be grateful for that. The only regret I honestly will have trouble letting go of is that I cannot give Keegan a sibling. He deserves that.
Whew! How's that for deep thoughts this morning.
I am doing fine. I'm just catching up at work after being off and waiting for next cycle when we try another IUI. I am only on CD 9 and so we'll try naturally this cycle (we were in FL during CD1-5 so we couldn't start an IUI cycle) but these days a natural cycle is like the biggest long-shot so I don't really even consider it trying.
I am hoping that my regular doctor pulls through and will be able to do an IUI with us next cycle. I'd rather do a cycle with her but if she is not ready yet, I think we'll go ahead with our fertility clinic. Now that the end is in site, I do not want to waste any more precious time. I think the last IUI we did was in October (wow!) so it has been a very long break and I am ready to try again.
Three years is a long time. Too long. I'm not giving up yet - I really am not - but eventually, every story must come to an end. I just don't know what the conclusion to ours will bring.
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3 comments:
Just starting reading you. We are in similar boats. Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you. :-)
I feel the same as you, ever grateful for the one healthy child I have. As hard as it is to come to the desicion that you did, I think it will bring you peace.
I still hope you do get blessed with another child.
*hugs*
Welcome home! Our trip was too short as well. By the way, we were in the same city as you...we were in Sanibel at the beach on that same Monday you were in the vicinity. :) So close...how cool if we could have met up! Anyway, I really appreciate your post. It is so hard to know when enough is enough. It's hard to let go if you haven't gotten the result or the answer that you were hoping for. Someday I will need to do the same thing. I still struggle all the time with horrible jealousy over other women's pregnancies. My DH was afraid to tell me that the last only child in Jacob's class is about to become a big brother...next week! He was afraid that I would be upset that this mom is pregnant. And truthfully, I am upset about it...but of course I denied it bothered me. I guess I just wish that it didn't. Because of course she's pregnant....that's what people do. They have kids. They typically don't just have one baby. It just sucks that you and I can't have that for ourselves as well. Anyway, miss your posts...miss your input in my journal. Sometimes I don't even feel like posting my feelings there anymore because almost all of my supporters have gotten pregnant, and in some cases had their babies, and it seems like they just can't relate to me anymore. Anyway...I do hope you'll be around more. No matter what the future holds, I promise to stick with you and support you through it all.
-Leighann
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