Hmmm...What can I relate this question to for those fertiles out there? I'll have to give it some thought. They just don't get it and why should they? This is the question that my mom asked me yesterday. She meant no harm, she said it cheerfully and with a smile on her face. Yet, I wanted to hit her. DON'T ASK ME THAT!! For so many reasons! One, it hurts. Two, I'm trying not to think about it. Three, it jinxes the situation. Four, even if I was pregnant, I wouldn't feel it yet. It probably wouldn't have even implanted yet. Five, it doesn't feel supportive or compassionate. It just doesn't. Six, don't ask me that. Just don't.
Just another casualty of IF is the distance that it has put between my mother and I. Don't get me wrong, we are very close still and she is a great mom. BUT I cannot talk to her about any of this. I just can't because she rarely says or does the right thing. Again, it is not her fault. She was extremely fertile. She has six kids and got pregnant on almost the first try each time. She just cannot comprehend what I am going through. And in my opinion, does not try very hard to either. And my sister? (For the record, I have four but I am referring to the pregnant one.) She is not any better. Maybe worse, actually.
On Sunday afternoon, I went over to my mom's to chat with her and my pregnant sister. I left Keegan at home so I could have a bit more quality time with them and just hang out. They decided to spend their time huddled together on the couch, shopping online for "cute" baby clothes and other baby items. I kid you not. My mom was fully aware of how my weekend had gone, back to back appointments at a fertility clinic and added IF costs that were stressing me out. Not to mention an IUI scheduled the next morning. But yet, her and my sister had their heads together ooooing and awwwing over this crap. Then they both started talking about the nursery furniture that had just been delivered and that my mom had bought for her. Nice.
Needless to say, I did not stay long. I just could not deal with it. I think I try pretty hard to be happy for my sister and be sensitive to the fact that this is a happy time for her. I just wish they could do the same for me. Understand and be sensitive to the fact that this is a horrible time for me.
I don't know what the answer is. I just know it hurts right now. I wish I could make them understand how emotional this is for me, how real it is and how final it potentially could be. They have never been faced with the fact that they may never have a baby. That it is physically impossible for it to happen and there isn't a damn thing they can do about it. It is out of the realm of their understanding.
They also don't understand that whether we get pregnant or not, there will always be scars. I've been robbed of the "fun" that they were able to experience when TTC. I doubt that I will ever experience a surprise pregnancy or not know exactly what CD I am on. Like my sister, I will never realize that I am a week late getting my period and never have the thought that I may be pregnant cross my mind. If we do conceive, it will most likely happen in a doctors office and will involve medical instruments and will not happen during the act of making love. In fact, if a miracle occurred and we did conceive from this last IUI, DH was not even present at the time of insemination. That sucks and I will never forget that.
Do I feel pregnant? The answer to that question is no. I feel angry.
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Ah yes...the insensitive questions/comments from well-meaning people. It's always so hard, because you know they aren't trying to be hurtful, so you don't want to bite their heads off for asking, but yet that is exactly what you feel like doing. My personal favorite is when I tell someone it took me almost two years to conceive Jacob and they respond with "I know how you feel. It took me six months to conceive." Oh yeah, because six months and two years are the same thing. It's maddening.
On another note, I conceived Jacob on an IUI cycle where my DH was not present for the insemination. So yes, it is possible that I literally conceived on an examination table, but we still dtd prior to ovulation, so it could just as easily have been from one of those sperms. And really, I promise, if you do conceive, you won't stress that you didn't conceive the traditional way.
I am thinking of you....praying this nightmare is going to end in two weeks. ((HUGS))
-Leighann
Oh Angie. I am so right there with you. I feel so, so similarly.
On the mom stuff especially. My mom is wonderful and I love her so much, but she just. doesn't. get it. She actually thought she had the same problem as me when she was young--rare to no periods at all--and so threw out her birth control pills because they made her ill, and she figured she couldn't get pregnant anyway. Months later, my brother was conceived. She never had a problem again. Though I have now had several doctors tell me that I will not be able to conceive without help, she insists that deep down she believes I am totally normal and would conceive spontaneously without help. She doesn't understand how this might make me feel bad, but what it feels like is she thinks I am treating myself like a freak by undergoing these treatments, and she can barely stand the idea of me having to have all kinds of medical intervention.
She also doesn't get my sensitivity about it. She thinks she should be able to make jokes about it and stuff. She would always say that she is "just kidding" and she "doesn't mean anything bad or mean by it." She doesn't get that that doesn't make it okay. She thinks I am too sensitive and so shouldn't care so much when she makes light of things when they are obviously just jokes.
And finally, I soooo get what you mean about the "do you feel pregnant" question. Actually, it's my husband who asks me that the most! Like, 2 dpo he'll ask me that. I'm like, "NO, STOP ASKING ME THAT, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE." It also reminds me every time how much he cares about it, and how disappointed he will be if it fails. Again.
Tons tons tons of good luck to you, Angie.
I second that. First, when talking to my Mom, I hear her restrain herself because she has said and still continues to inadvertently say really ridiculous and sometimes hurtful things. Just when I think I have her 'trained', lol, she says something else. It's frustrating.
People who have never been through this will never truly get it.
My husband will never be in the room when/if I conceive, but I always like to say another chick got me pregnant, lol. It makes light of a difficult situation.
*hugs*
Oh my goodness...this post reminds me all too much of my family. My husband and I have been TTC for 4.5years. I have one sister who is pregnant, due on her one year wedding anniversary, high risk and not taking it seriously if you ask me, and she has no clue what my husband I are going through (along with my mom who gives the typical, just relax!). argh!! If only our family did their own research to realize what they should and shouldn't say and how they could support us! Nice post!
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